The Stigma of Astigmatism

Dear Diary,

I’m giving up.

I can’t take it anymore.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been misunderstood.  I get blamed for things that aren’t my fault, most people don’t know anything about me, and I’m never spoken of in a positive light.

I mean, for starters, most people seem to think that I can cause irreparable damage to their vision, and that’s a dirty lie!  If only they knew how prevalent I am and all of the different types of vision correction that can make me pretty much unnoticeable.  Glasses, contacts, laser surgery.  And yet they still say that I have an effect on their vision!  Dude, your LASIK surgeon obliterated me when you had your procedure – if you still can’t see clearly, then it’s not me, it’s you.  Maybe you need laser BRAIN surgery HAHAHA.

I’m sorry Diary, that was crude.

But darnit, it’s just so FRUSTRATING.  I’ve never purposefully done anything to hurt anybody.  I mean I guess there was that one guy in Minnesota who slid off the road because he couldn’t clearly see the patch of ice ahead of him.  Or the lady from San Francisco who was injured in that car accident because she was squinting to see a billboard.  But that’s not MY fault.  I mean it is, but it isn’t.  I don’t deserve this.

Two foci are better than one!

To make things worse, all those eye doctors explain what I am in the same way.  It’s always “your eye is like a football not a baseball.”  What the heck is that supposed to mean?  Personally I’ve never seen a person in side-profile whose eye jutted out from their head like the cone of Madonna’s bra.  A football?  Really?  Let’s call a spade a spade:  all I am is a difference in the steepness of the cornea; that’s it.  Kind of like if you held a balloon and gently squashed it between your hands – in one direction the curvature of the balloon would be steeper than in the other direction.

But NooOOooOOoo, I’m a football.  Most people are pear-shaped or apple-shaped, but I’m a pigskin.

SPORTS EQUIPMENT PROPAGANDA

And then there are those people that say they can FEEL me.  Really?  I’m a microscopic change in steepness in your cornea and you can FEEL me?  Maybe your eyes are dry, or you have allergies, or you have some other foreign body in your eye, but your astigmatism is not something you can feel!  Does anyone ever think about how I FEEL?  It’s depressing to be thought of as a blinding eye disease when all that’s really needed are glasses.

Diary, I know I’m complaining a lot today.  I guess I should just be thankful that so many people know me.  What I need is a good PR campaign to put a positive spin on things.  Like a catchy slogan or something.  Let’s do some brainstorming, Diary.

Astigmatism:  It’ll Make You A Sandwich.

Astigmatism:  It Won’t Get Mad When Your Dog Poops on the Sidewalk.

Astigmatism:  At Least It’s Not Dysentery.

Astigmatism:  It Doesn’t Think Twilight is the Epitome of Fiction, But It Won’t Judge You if You Do.

Astigmatism:  It’s a Party in Your Eye!

Any other ideas?

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